Momentum over Heroics. God help me Please!

Since May I've kind of been fooling around unemployed.  I have my son for the summers so I have spent time with him and lived with relatives to save money.  I proclaimed I would start a business, but...sigh...I've been just f'ing around, sending a few resumes out, market isn't as bad as I thought but haven't sealed the deal on anything.  

Well, the fooling around part starting to get bad.  Relatives clashing with my son, me starting to get a little depressed at me not doing much, I even sort of checked out.  Money starting to be a problem, ex doing crazy stuff that affects me and my son.  The mini paradise vacation (my relatives live in a nice area, on many foggy days I have whole beaches mostly to myself) is starting to sour.  I'm also a little bummed that I was 15 minutes ahead of most on LLMS/AI two years ago, but that advantage is long gone, with most techies up to speed on AI now, so my selling point is mostly gone.

So, time to ramp up the engines.  No big promises to myself other than to just point at being productive and getting something going.  Limited metrics, just momentum starting now.

Momentum over phantom promises of doing great things right away.  Momentum over Heroics. Just being consistent, building small things, proofs of concepts, hello worlds with new tech, and I think excitement and catching a concept that I like and expanding upon is what will happen.  

I also need to keep in mind that proven 100% God got me the last few jobs I had.  Sure, I had the skills and experience to get me in the door, but no more than other people.  He can do that again, if He choses.  God is probably just waiting for me...nudging me with both good and bad things, to get serious, so He can show me what He will do next.

If it is just me, I'll flounder, most likely just not do much.  But God is in the equation, if I let Him.

Let's see what God does.  I also have to remember though that I have been a real stinker, and God is under no obligation to do anything for me.  But ultimately, Jesus is my only hope.  Always has been, always will be.  So I hope Jesus does something, as without Him, I will go into the spiral I absolutely fear is coming.  Please intervene on my behalf again Jesus, so I can provide for my son, not feel completely worthless in this world, and maybe have a little fun here and there during the trials that will never go away.  

Disengaged

So, I thought I was in much better shape mentally than I thought.  Temp move is complete, now I am quasi homeless.  All my stuff is gone except the bare minimum (no real loss).  I'm living with some relatives, stock pilling money until my job goes away in a few weeks.  My son is with me, and his Mom still is having continual problems so he will be with me for awhile, which is great in most ways as I love him and would rather have him with me.

But something unexpected happened.  I sort of checked out.  I went into the digital ether, and kind of quit doing everything I should be doing.  My job, after letting me know I was weighed in the scales and found not good enough to continue, now means nothing to me other than just a trudge that I must get through and a paycheck I need.  I have ZERO desire to be there anymore.  To me it represents the past.  A lot of stress about what will come next, and I just sort of went into my room, shut the door, and goofed off online in very negative and unproductive ways when I have mountains of other things I could be doing.

Well, as much as I would LOVE to keep doing that, I can't.  So today I'm going to attempt to reengage with live.  My priorities now will be.

1. Jesus, getting right with God whom I let down, yet again.
2. My physical health.  I'm not good to anyone if I'm a mess and can't function.
3. My son.  I need to be there for him and not let my relatives fill that gap, as nice as it is.
4. My mental health.  I really hate that term, mental health, but I realize now that I'm suffering from burnout or demoralization, whatever you want to call it.  I'm in a very nice area now, even if I an jobless and broke in the near term, there are many things I can do being in nature and with my son, that can uplift my morale.  It will be important because I think this transitional phase between jobs, and possibly careers (more on that later) will have rough spots.
5. Family. One of the reasons I am with my relatives is they are old, and will not always be around.  I came here to spend time with the people I love, not run and hide from life in the digital haze.  So I need to prioritize spending time with them and engaging with them.
6. Work and finding the new gig.  Basically my attitude at work right now is phuck 'em.  This is wrong, as they are nice people, gave me a great opportunity, and because of my actions in my control, and some that were not, I didn't perform as well as I could.  They are making a logical decision to not try to fight to keep me around.  Maybe if I would have rallied when I heard I could have changed minds, but...I got other things going on, and I didn't.  The reality of it is this job is burnt and the bridge mostly destroyed.  So I will prioritize it last.  In its stead I will be doing soul searching about what I need to do the fight burnout, upskill, ponder side gigs to keep me going, and finding the next big gig if the side gigs don't sustain me.  
7. Continued minimalism and downsizing.  I still have a lot of tedious stuff to sort through, so I need to do that and slim things down to the absolute minimum.  The plan is still to expat, but I'm praying about that and we will see... Either way, I don't need a bunch of junk.  I have lost all my worldly wealth, so while I remain in this world I will be somewhat of a vagabond. I'm ok with that at his point.

Those are pretty much my marching orders, in priority.  Let's see what the next phase, after the smoke clears, brings.

Edit: Some additional guidelines to help me.

1. Set aside 8.5 hours for sleep.  This is life-ing 101, but for me this is hard.  Because of bad time management, I often skimp on sleep, which causes existing health concerns to get worse.  
2. Get my butt to church.  Does this do anything magical?  No.  I know the Bible says "No not forsake the gathering of the assembly" so it is an obedience issue.  Obedience is rewarded, probably by meeting fellow Christians that you can help encourage and they can help encourage you, assuming everything in the church is working right.
3. Stop eating so freaking much.  I have a few over eating issues.  1) I was pretty athletic in the past, and burned lots of calories in the day.  Now I'm a couch potato mostly, but I still eat like I'm an athlete. 2) When my sleep schedule is messed up, I eat for extra energy but the calories just go to fat. 
4. Learn how to manage time without distractions.  I'm essentially ADD at this point.  Sure, I could medicate, but I think it would be better to train my mind how to handle distractions without medication.  The key is to break things down to the smallest possible task possible, only focus on the next task in the queue, and learning how to stay in the queue and not wander out of it.
5. Walk, walk, walk.  Consider light weight lifting.
6. Upscale and build.  At least 10 hours a week starting next week, scaling to 30 if I'm unemployed for awhile.  

Moving On

 Pretty tripping being homeless (I over dramatize, I have a temp home).  I am out of my apartment and living almost rent free for up to six months to sock pile $ for whatever is coming next.

I've been so busy I haven't had time to really process these changes.  I got rid of about 90% of my stuff and plan to get rid of more so I will be down to less than 5% of my things.  In a digital world this is less of a big deal than in previous generations but still weird.  I like it though, tired of moving a bunch of stuff around since it seems I tend to move a lot.

Today is a big day for me at work.  It could be a disaster.  If it is, ah well.  I learned a bit.  Most importantly I learned what I don't know, which is just as important sometimes as knowing what you don't know and then focusing on learning that.  Sometimes there is whole swaths of knowledge that you never even knew that you were ignorant of.

God is at work doing things in my life and my immediate family's life.  Whatever bumps along the way, including moves, job losses, possible health issues, God has an eternal (and temporal) plan in store for me. I just gotta keep going, even when I fall, keep pushing ahead. 

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."
(1 Peter 5:7)

The Last Stretch

 Boom

• Work four hours, hopefully minimally.
• Furniture hauling comes at 2
• Cleaning crew comes at 3
• Hotel for the night, as I won't have a bed
• Tomorrow pack, turn in keys, then on the road for 10 hours.
• And thus it ends, and thus it begins. A new chapter.

"The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."

(Psalm 121:8)

I came to the state I live in back in '97.  Bounced to other states but this state has always been my home.  I little unnerving leaving.  I came here with just a car load of stuff.  I leave here, all these years later, with a slightly bigger car and load of stuff, a dog, a son, and some debt.  Kinda weird.  But I love my son and my dog.  God has been faithful to me even though I have not returned the favor.  I've learned a lot.  Whatever this next chapter of life is, probably the final chapter, I hope I apply what I've learned and follow God wherever He leads me and with a faithful heart (whole heart if I can swing it).  

I've had some great memories along the way, but bad ones too.  I hope many of the bad ones stay behind me but the lessons and wisdom I can glean from the bad ones is ever before me.  

Onward and Upward.  This vagabond...a stranger in a strange land, a passing pilgrim in this wild thing called life, moves on to the next chapter.

New Recipe, Hopefully Different Outcome

 I'm facing:

• Just got official word my job is going away in three months.
• Due to the above, highly unmotivated about work.
• Even though I'm told I'm going away, lot's of high profile projects in my lap.
• Moving, got less than a week.
• I unexpectedly had to drop everything and fly out and get my son and bring him back for a few weeks.
• My parents flew out to help, God bless them, so there is help.
• Health issues causing me to lose a lot of sleep.

So, out of all this...here is my ideal situation.  It may not be God's. But out of the ashes I hope to happen in the next six to seven months.

• Be working mostly if not entirely for myself or with a small group of like minded people.
• Be more healthy.
• Know where I'm going to live.  I don't need much.  A data pipe, a bathroom, a bedroom or two, a bed, a desk, place to store a few things, a kitchen area, and a place for my dog.  Ideally a mostly square box that is inexpensive that I can put up fake walls to create spaces.  
• Be closer to my son.
• Walking closer with God.

Funny, the above should be in the reverse order.

Onward and Upward.

I've Been Putting Work Over Family. That Ends.

My son cried randomly last night.  I think it is because his mom got hospitalized so I flew out and scooped him.  He was so happy to see all his friends again and be with me as we always have a good time.  But timing bad, I've got a week to move out of my apartment, huge work projects, so even though I'm spending time with him and we are having fun, I had to punt him to his grand parents to try to finish up some work.

If I had even a couple months worth of savings I would have quit yesterday, dedicated the next few weeks to moving and having fun with my son.  I don't though. It feels like crap.

I'm tired of working for the man.  The man is what they are.  You are a clog in the gears, and how you turn in the machine is ultimately all that matters to them, smiley faces or not.

And to be fair my job isn't evil.  It is just a standard job.  Heck it is even better than most IT jobs. Just standard IT jobs I think don't work for me anymore.  

This will be the last time work > family.  I'm all in from this point on to getting something going so I will have time for my son and the things that are important without work interfering as it always does.

I don't mind working, but with a special needs kid who needs extra care I gotta figure something different out.  And I will.

Trying a New Work Strategy: Disassociation

My new work strategy.

• Work my 8.5 to 9 hours.  No more. 
• Listen to what others have to say, but if it is bull shite, and it affects me, don't take it personally.  Nod, keep my comments to myself, and smile.
• No over thinking. Covering my butt but beyond that, just do what I'm told.
• Being nice to everyone, but keeping contact minimal and work related.
• When work is done, turning off my work computer, and turning to (and hopefully enjoying) non-work task.
• Committing myself to more upskilling and pondering how I want to finish out my next 10-15 years of work life, and trying to get there.
• Not letting work or stress eat my seed corn...meaning regardless of what I think work demands, there are hard limits, and then I'm off to do what it will take to make me better, some of it aligning with work, some of it not.
• Trusting no one, always trying to have a plan B in grasp.
• Letting the chips fall where they may.  

In essence, doing my work, trying to do a good job, when when that metaphorical whistle blows, I'm OUT! 

What Will Be

So, I've been around for awhile.  I've had my ups and downs.  Some of the downs I've brought upon myself, some are beyond my control, some everything in-between.

Had something come up recently and of course it happens at one of the worst possible times it could.  Expensive, affecting my work, and causing me to get really, really pissed off and fearful about the future.

But, like I've said, I've been around.  I've been in this rodeo before.  I have to cling to the fact that God has got this even if I don't.  He took into account my future failures a long time ago.  And sure, if I handle things poorly, I will miss out on some things.  But even despite that I will not be destroyed, and even if I lose everything down the road I will get new things.

So, I am trying to chill and not be overwhelmed resting on that.  Trying to not get frustrated about the parameters I don't have control over. Where I screw up acknowledging it and moving on rather than letting a failure beat me up, and I'm trying to just...chill and be productive where I can be.  Do what I am able to do, and then let go and let everything fall into place without fear or stress.  

What is gonna happen is gonna happen.  And 9 times out of 10 it turns out to be nothing to worry about or not nearly a big a deal as I thought it would be. 

Finding my Wizard's Tower

I know why monks, magicians, and crazy scholars would go off to some remote area and just wish to be left alone to do their thing.

Though I can't claim the same level of intellect, I get it.  

The difference for me would be to get away from what I know, a place where I can forget the bad parts, rejoice in the good parts.

Knowledge in and of itself is just vanity without context.  To know too much of a thing but not putting it in the right context can weigh hard on your soul.

I know a lot about dark things.  Much of my recent life is trying to put what I know in the right context so it doesn't take me down. But I still know it.  It is still there. I can keep it out of my day-to-day thinking, but it doesn't take much to trigger it and have it all flow back.

Give me a forest on a nice day, wind whispering through the trees.  I would rather know about that, what birds are in the area, are they the same ones as a few days ago?  How are they doing?  Sitting on a vista looking down at a beautiful valley.  Give me that 100x over esoteric knowledge that poisons the mind.

Why the angst?  I'm feeling the pull...I'm feeling that old energy flow into me.  I'm starting to see things again.  I'm not sure which side this actually comes from.

This is not good.  I need to hit that forest vista a pray hard.  I don't want to get sucked into what I know is coming in the wrong way.  

It may not be up to me.  But if I'm used, I'd rather be used in helping individual people navigate this world in the quite of relative obscurity.  The larger stuff, I'll pass.  

So I'm off to find my monk's monastery, my wizard's castle, my old hermits hut.  Let the world spin in it's corruption leaving me largely untouched.  And those who I can help, they will cross my path.  They will find me.

I will no longer live as a target and in misery finding them.  I'll let God do that, and if he brings none, that is more than fine too :).  I've got a family to raise, and a simple life to live.  I'll chalk up my education in the dark as an unfortunate detour that I will be happy to forge.

 

The Glass is Half Full

It isn't all bad.  2021 took it's toll on me.  The previous decade as well.  But in it all,  there are some good things.  Let's recap-

• My health.  In around 2016 and again in 2019 I hit some major out of the blue problems.  Compared to Covid they were way worse.  At one point I called my parents and told them it was it.  I truly believe that as my body was starting to shut down and they didn't know what the hell was wrong with me other than my body just stopped sleeping.  If I got three hours of sleep a night it was amazing, most of the time it was less.  After a prolonged period of that I really started to suffer.  Other issues arose.  Anyway, fast forward to now.  I sleep OK, and some of my long standing health issues are going away.  My health is better than it has been in about 7 years.  That is a good turn.
• I was literally one day from a homeless shelter.  As my marriage fell apart I had about 500 bucks in my bank account.  I decided I wouldn't beg for money.  I was going to take that last 500 bucks and head to a sporting goods store and buy some camping equipment, then head to Flagstaff and find a shelter and say fuck life.  Fast forward to now.  I did get a loan, got hired to a Sr position, and without asking they upped my pay by about 20k.  Due to the divorce I've struggled with the job, but it has provided me the income I need to survive and navigate through the divorce.  I also got a really nice apartment with a nice pool that my son loves, the apartment is dog friendly, and it is in a place that made it easy for me to shuffle my son up north and back every weekend.  
• I had some friends rise up and stand with me during the divorce.  Where I was totally isolated living in the national park, getting back to the big city where I had some friends really helped out.  
• I was lead to a good church which helped me whither the storm.
• I met a few friends in my apartment complex so I have some people to chat with on occasion.  I'm not a big socialite but having a few people to say hello to and chat for ten minutes here and there make a huge difference in my quality of life.
• My son is with me for the summer.
• I am in Southern Arizona again.  That place has always been sort of magical for me.  The magic is fading as the state's population grows, but some of the magic is still there.  I enjoy glimpses of it when I see it.

There is still a lot of bad.  But it isn't all bad.  I expect some big hurdles coming.  Not sure how sustainable a few things are.  But God sustained me through this last year and a half, before that, and He will beyond that.  I should have died a few times over the past seven years but each time I was spared.  God has something for me down here.  I just need to pursue His will and I will get by and maybe even do more than get by.  My eyes need to be on God's kingdom though.  I look at my time here now as bonus time...I'm in OT, I still have a chance to participate in what God is up to around me if I want, hopefully I will be wise enough to do so.

Conspiracy Theories: For or Against Jesus?

Just a quick post... I hung out with relatives this weekend, and inevitably the conversation trends towards "conspiracy theories".  So I let my relatives have it.  Yes as I'm speaking I sound intellectually disjointed and I have trouble getting my points across.  Even worse...I start to evaluate what are my points?

So, here are my points.  Ideally this should be what drives me.

I love my country. I think the world has benefited from the short Pax Americana that existed after World War II.  I see my country in self imposed decline now.  We do so many things wrong now.  Perhaps this is a spiritual imposed judgement on our leadership for our nation's sins.  Perhaps it is a deliberate conspiracy to weaken America.  Perhaps it is both or neither.  If I can contribute to saving my country, I will.  But this is not my primary mission. I've also become aware of past and current evil being done in my country's name, which makes me much less patriotic than I was.  But I still wish for American greatness, as I think the idealistic concept of America is worth pursing, even if it never existed in reality.  Perhaps the concept of America is a false idol to me.  I don't think so, but when I confuse the idealistic with the actual America and defend the wrong one is when I get into trouble.

I love to know "what is really going on".  Unfortunately (or actually fortunately) only God really knows what is going on.  The rest of us are just guessing.  I do know there is a spiritual side at play, a war for the souls of men.  Here is where I wish to contribute...to spreading the gospel of Jesus, that all men are justly condemned  before God, but God knowing our sinful state died for our sins.  If we trust Jesus, we are forgiven and restored to God.  That is good news!!!  But is that the news I preach?  No...it is not.  I tend to preach darkness, what the enemy may or may not be up to, and what evil men do and are rumored to be doing every day.  There is a disconnect here.  I need to stand back and analyze this further.  No, not just analyze, but correct my behavior.

Knowledge without it glorifying God is vanity.  Vanity is sin. If I am indulging is some sort of vanity in researching the pseudo or partial truths of the conspiracy world rather than preaching the good news of Jesus to the lost I am serving the enemy.

In my vanity I hoped that just preaching about the darkness I see, showing other's it's reality, would be enough to lead people to seek the God that can save them.  This is not the case.  "The goodness of God leads men to repentance."   I need to focus on that more.

I still will show the world the darkness because the world needs to understand what it truly is most of the time, a dark place.  But I need to be consistent with showing the light of the world, Jesus.

For the one or two that read this, please pray for me that I would find the right balance.  I know it begins at drawing closer to God and spending time with Him before looking into the dark corners of the world.

The Pain of Living Within Our Means

Over the last two weeks, my wife and I have made every possible move to get into a house in Plymouth, Michigan. Today what appears to be the final straw, my mother-in-law quasi backing out of loaning us money for the down payment, seems to be the final straw.

The pain of it is that we most likely will end up moving to cut cost. Even if I take a 10k pay cut, we still come out ahead if we move back to Arizona. If we were in a better financial situation, we would be in a nice 4 bedroom house in one of the most desirable places to live and raise a family in Michigan.

I saw this coming, and due to my lack of balls and taking the reigns and just saying "No, we can't do it" to my wife our marriage is taken some blows.

The wisdom here is live within your means, always know what your true financial situation is, and if your heart tells you to stop going forward on a certain path, do everything you can to stop going forward. If not, you risk suffering missed opportunities down the road that you may wish you were able to participate in. Even worse, you might end up causing damage in relationships as you try to push forward into something that cannot be.

Oh well, life is about learning, isn't it? Some people think it is just a race. It is, as you have to use your time wisely, but sometimes the fastest moves are the ones where you wait.

Out with the Old, In with the New

Well, tomorrow I start my new gig. All .Net 3.5 development. I expect the first two days to be standing around twitling my thumbs with small project just to get my feet wet, and then towards the end of the week I'll do some read development.

I feel pretty bad about leaving BetterPhoto.com. I tried to get my last project done before leaving, but I just couldn't quiet pull it off, though I got them to a spot where the project can be picked up and followed on by someone after me pretty quickly. I can tell my direct boss was pissed, but the whole reason for me leaving BetterPhoto.com in the first place was that I could not work remotely anymore. That didn't magically change during my final two weeks. I'll help them out as I can during the next couple of weeks at night, but I've got a lot going on so if push comes to shove, it will be shove. Sucks because they are really cool people and I would have rather left on a much more positive note, but My time ended.

Oh well, onward and upward.