Staying in Play

 Let me layout how depressingly I see things.  Then I'll be more positive and why I see things incorrectly.  

• I will grow more and more isolated because of the way I think about covid and mRNA gene therapies from my relatives who think differently then I do.  This is important because my relatives are my anchor to the world in a lot of ways and my support network.
• I'm getting divorced.  My marriage was always rough, but I had accepted that it would be less than ideal and had decided work around it's shortcomings.  My wife decided that wasn't what she wanted so she left the marriage.  This rocked my world.  
• The whole world seems to have gone mad.
• The above three reasons, plus some other issues that I can't quite nail down, have made working and being productive even harder than normal.  I suck.  
• Losing my job and resisting the gene therapy might one day force me to lose my son to his mother or some one else.  I love my kid.  Taking him away will rip that last anchor of life out of me.
• I every once in awhile try to at least make people who think differently about things ponder a point.  They just aren't interested.  Not in the least.  Worse, there is growing pressure from them to conform the the consensus on various topics.  I'm me.  I think like me.  I will not change to conform my mind.  My mind is hard fought and one of the few treasures I have.  I believe what I believe because of lot's of research.  I'm not always right.  No human is.  But my opinions that are entrenched are well thought out, researched probably more widely than most,  and very rational in the framework of how I think that I have developed for decades.  Instead of conforming, I have a strong desire just to shut down and withdraw.  

Just dwelling on the above is really demoralizing.  I want to get off this rock called a planet so badly right now. But I have to keep a few things in mind, which puts all of the above in a different light.

• I'm not here for me.  I should have died already a few years ago when I was really, really sick and they never figured out why.  I am here by the grace of God.  God is being merciful to me and giving me  overtime to grow in knowledge of Him, fall in love with Him more, and serve Him.  If I would have died a few years ago like I should have sure I am saved but my eternal destiny would be a lot different than, with this overtime given, could be.  If I am wise I will focus on Lord Jesus and serving Him.  That is why I'm here.
• I'm here for my son.  I have to try to stick around for my son.
• As much as I hate life right now, every connection, every person I meet, every social media conversation, it is all a way that Jesus can shine light into someone else's life, so long as I stay in God's grace and keep reflective so I can reflect His love and His truth into others.  Every day has numerous opportunities for this.  Rather than retreat inward and let the evil of the day tarnish my mirror I need to do what it takes to become more reflective.
• God is good to His children.  Even in dark times Joy and good things will be had by His kids who are walking with Him.  It won't be all gloom and doom.  Some of the bad things I fear will not happen.
• I really think this is "it".  As tough as the times might get, would I really want to miss this?  I am designed for this.  I live and breath what is happening.  I am here for this time.

OK, so looking at the above verses the below.  Job...I could fail at it.  There will be other jobs.  Relatives might fade, but I just had one call me that I thought I would be fading away from, to check on how I was doing. So it isn't over.  And even if I want to be isolated, I should not.  Remember, I'm here for Christ's glory.  For that to be maximized I have to stay engaged.  As the finish line approaches, as the darkness grows, rather then stumble in self pity and some justifiable angst, I need to cut loose the things that slow me down, and push harder for the King of glory and His Kingdom. while I let other Kingdoms fade..  As much as I want to be on the sidelines right now it is all about staying in the game.  It is hard but I must stay in play.