The Final Good Bye

 So, things just sort of happened.  My dog was rubbing his nose a lot.  I decided to take him to a vet. I decided to take him to the vet that saved his life up in Flagstaff.  Originally I was going to get up early Saturday, but by Friday I decided to go up that night.  And, well, the trip turned into a mini vacation.  

On Saturday I went up to the Grand Canyon to take care of one last piece of business from my old life I had left there.  It was good to get back, see my old haunts, walk my dog where we used to walk all the time, say goodbye again to my cat and my other dog that I lost there before moving out.  It was bitter sweet though, as it was always my ex-wife's territory.  She was the NPS person, I was just some random attached husband, and as our marriage disintegrated who knows what was said about me.  

Anyway, I took care of business (mostly), hit the old places, then went to the rim and said good bye.  On the way into Williams I did a lot of processing.  My hearts desire is that I truly 100% turn the page on that chapter of life.  Maybe because of the wounds I won't ever turn it 100%, and with my son I must deal with my ex.  But if I can get 99% of the way there, and leave it all behind, and not think on it again except very briefly, that would be great.

It has been four years.  I'd say the first year and a half were miserable.  The next year and a half I was functional but still pretty sad.  This last year, especially the last six months, I think I'm over it.  I've had time to reflect on my parts of the marriage's demise, prayed a lot, and owned that the old life is long gone, my son and my dog now the only legacy from that life.  

I'm glad God is generous to His creation, because part of this process of healing is owning that even though my ex did horrible things, I did as well.  Mine were more subtle, but just as evil or worse.  I failed to be the man I was called to be and love my wife sacrificially.  I think if I would have done that our marriage would have had a chance, and maybe some of the things she did wouldn't have happened.  I don't blame myself for her choices, but I'm just being pragmatic.  Maybe if I did everything right our marriage still would have died.  I'll never know.

Ultimately it was the greatest coldest betrayal I have ever experienced.  I was in shock for a long time.  I shouldn't have been.  I was blind.  

All water under the bridge, as life doesn't stop.  No do-overs or taking backsies right?  

Now the conflict is how much do I want to sacrifice of my remaining life for my son.  The no brainer answer is do whatever it takes, he is your kid.  I agree.  But I don't want to uproot what little life I have to move to shitsville to be near him more.  But I also don't want to be a uncle to him as others raise him.  And my ex is making decisions that I don't agree with in parenting.  So he could use my counter-influence.  In a few years he is per agreement going to spend most of the year with me and summers with his Mom.  I expect there will be reniging there.  

So I'm processing all this.  My head is at I wait for another year and he and I have one more summer together.  My lease isn't up and my job as a contractor will shake out next year.  Maybe after this one more summer I will move to where he is, and balance living it shitetown with living overseas for a few months of the year.  I shall see.  

I'm processing it all.  But I am starting to clean and purge.  I'm already pretty minimal.  I'm going to the absolute basics, and as things shake out with my job and lease, I might ditch it all and vagabond it for awhile, or if I'm in a six month lease somewhere then I will keep some furniture but ditch all but the absolute minimum, and I will live in the smallest cheapest place I can.  I don't need a lot of stuff or space anymore.  

We shall see what happens.

On My Own

Firstly, the title of this blog post "On My Own" isn't true.  I've never been completely on my own.  I've always had A FEW good people who have encouraged me, provided resources, and helped me along the way.  More importantly, I believe that God's hand has been on my life.  Heck I don't just believe that, I know that.  Maybe I'll do a separate post to that, but God has saved me both eternally and in this life more than a few times.

So what is this "On My Own" title about?  Let's give some context.  I went through a marriage break up a few years ago.  I not only lost my wife but I also lost where I lived, which my identity was also closely tied to.  In moving away down to the big city I by the grace of God got a job that met my financial needs. I've since bounced around apartments and jobs.  I reunited with two good friends.  They will be friends for life (I think?) regardless of if I live close to them or far.  Since the divorce and due to my political leanings my extended family has grown really distant to me.  I'm close to my parents, and talk with an uncle and my sister on occasion, that is about it.  My son due to the split lives with his Mom most of the year and is with me in the summers. Other than that it is just phone calls. In our agreement I should get him during other breaks too, but the cost of travel (he is about 10 states away) is just to great to make that happen.  There is a decent church near me, but I'm having trouble getting there, I don't know why.

My point.  I'm on my own.  I have a dog, I meet some friends every now and then, and that is about it.  Maybe twice a year I see my parents.  I see my son during the summer and talk to him a few times a week.

Other context.  The marriage killed me financially.  Without getting "into the weeds" I once owned multiple properties, had a nice 401K, and had manageable debt.  Now I have none of that, and although not a huge debt enough debt where it is a burden that I'm starting to think about it a lot.

The final piece of context.  I've wanted to live overseas once I realized that with a software development gig I could.  I've been thinking about this for decades.  Sometime post 2016 I've started to feel like America is no longer home.  I feel like an alien here.  That has accelerated over the last few years.  I'm by nature a political person and I can easily get sucked into the toxicity of everything going on.  Plus the food in America, at the default level of what most of us buy and eat, is horrible.  My health is declining, in part to what I eat.  

So, here is the run down.

- No real ties to where I'm living
- Stagnating
- Unhealthy
- In debt

How can I fix this?  

Debt: Well if I move over seas, ditch my car, and chose to live in Eastern Europe, I figured I could gain back about 4k a month.  4k.  That would allow me to pay off my debt in a few years and put money aside. This is even counting the flying cost of taking my son to and from Europe once a year and an additional visit back.

Stagnation: What an adventure! Getting rid of the last of my stuff from my old life, and getting a new start.  It might turn out horrible.  It might be awesome.  It might be meh.  But at least I will have tried something.  It is my experience that new things bring out the best in me.

Unhealthy: I know if I left for the unknown tomorrow my health would be a serious problem.  So I have some time to prepare before I do.  Look at that right there...motivation.  I have a tiny little bit of motivation to get healthy so I'm around longer for my son.  But it isn't as motivating as it should be I admit.  The motivation so I can get into another relationship just doesn't do it for me anymore.  I've always been pretty lame when it comes to the sex love and dating thing.  I could put all sorts of effort into getting healthy for dating but you know what it would probably just be a waste of effort, so that doesn't motivate me.  But getting ready for a trip, a change, a possible new life, that motivates me!!  I've already started making changes that I haven't been able to do for the last 3 years.  

No Real Ties: It is a bummer that I will be farther away from my parents who are getting up there in age.  But I don't think they will hit any additional walls for a few years.  And when they do I can come back for good or come back for a time.  But just waiting around while my life ebbs based and their life ebbing isn't a good thing.  I can go now, get the above benefits, and then come back if I need to.  My son, though traveling would be more difficult, I would see him about the same.  Though I do sometimes toy with moving to be near him and his mom at times, where they live there is just nothing for me other than seeing my son.  It is a powerful draw, but so far something (maybe my selfishness?) has waved me off from doing that.  My friends I will see less, but I will see them.  And I have the ability once I've moved to make new friends as well, which I need.  If it all falls then I come back humbled, but with a greater appreciation of what I had here.  I don't think that is going to happen but it might.

So, why the "On My Own?".  One of my close friends thinks it is foolish.  I get excited about the possibility of moving and people just kind of poo poo it.  What about this?  What about that?  You're crazy.  I'd never leave the USA.  My excitement and plans are challenged by those who I'd hope would be excited about them. It is a big bummer.  And also when I leave on this adventure, which hopefully I won't be stopped from doing, it will be God, my dog, and me.  Heck with those three that is all I need.  But many would consider that being on your own. 

So, I want my trips (I'll do a two month or so scouting trip first) to be well thought out and have a high chance of success.  A lot of this depends on employment as well.  More on that another time.  It doesn't matter if I move to someplace cheaper but have zero income.  But if God is in this I'll have something.  And lastly, in a few years, if our agreement holds and it may not, my son will come to be with me most of the year.  He is from Eastern Europe.  It would be taking him back to his homeland, and I think good things will happen for him there vs the USA.  I could be wrong.  I will see.

I have seen God work before in my life where those who thought to pigeon hole me or do me harm God literally created a path for me pushing through their created barriers while they watched.  I hope God will do that same now.  Even my good friends who think this is foolish, I hope they watch in shock and awe.  I hope they will one day in the future come and say, yeah, ok, it worked out for you.  It was a good move.  

One thing I've decided though, is to not seek permission, to not seek advice from people who know nothing about living abroad, nor seeking people's approval for my plans.  I'm actually pretty pissed off that they think I'm being foolish when I research living abroad constantly.  Do I think it will solve all my problems?  No, but it will give me a new set of problems that might at least be a change of pace.  

Jesus knows me better than myself.  He knows if my plans are not good.  But maybe He is the one moving me for purposes yet unknow, maybe just the above, maybe something more.  I pray it is Jesus guiding me.  If not, and this is a bad plan, I pray it would get shut down.  I pray it doesn't.  But I'm not asking others for confirmation or their opinions any more.  If I'm going to do this, I'm just going to do this.  And with the exception of a small few who find up out of necessity right before things happen, the rest can find out about it after the fact.

Into the new, on my own*.

 

OpenAI

 I love OpenAI. But 10 years from now I don't even think OpenAI will exist. It's model descendants will, but OpenAI itself? I bet it will be broken and absorbed. We shall see.

Sora -> No Where

Dalle-3 -> Left Hanging

ChatGPT-4o and Mini -> Pretty much everything built on ChatGPT-4 + Tweaking

OpenAI-o1 Preview -> Useful, but unfinished.

OpenAI-o1 Mini -> Good model, but not for everyday knowledge lookup

I worry Claude Opus 3.5, whenever they release it, will give the full releases of the next ChatGPT X a run for it's money.

Mistral and Meta waiting in the wings as well. Chinese models lately pretty good.

Again, I love OpenAI, not taking anything away from them, they are the little g AI gods, but it is hard to stay on top, and there are signs that they won't. I'm talking long term.

Flashback

The heat finally broke in the Phoenix metro.  I was outside, below 90, slight breeze.  It felt awesome.  I looked up at the clouds.  Two stars near each other were briefly outlined before some clouds obscured them, the stars reminding me of my dog Zoey's eyes.

Boom.  Instant flashback to four years ago. I am in my brand new class A RV parked near the national forest on the East Rim of the Grand Canyon.  I am outside enjoying the cool evening.  My wife and son are inside.  

I know my marriage is in trouble but have no clue how bad it is.  I have quit my job to watch my special needs son a few months earlier, liquidated my retirement, and bought this RV with the idea that when my wife changes jobs we will just "move our house" plus it is an adventure. Maybe it was sort of a last gasp for us.  My dog Zoey has cancer and has not long to live. My cat Niko will soon escape and be eaten by coyotes one night.  But that is later.

I sit under the awning of my RV and look up into the brilliant night sky.  I look at my son through the window into his bunk and wave.  

I think at the time I was desperate for some sort of peace.  I could tell the wheels where coming off.  I was so angry at the world and the politics going on at the time.  During that day I actually sat outside and got some peace.  I had a sort of Zen moment where I was listening to the wind whisper through the nearby trees and I relaxed.  It felt really nice.  After dinner I was hoping to repeat that.  Grab a few minutes under the stars.  I invited my wife outside but she declined, which actually was OK by me as I was enjoying just chilling alone.

It was nice, that day, and that night (might have been a few nights).  The RV seemed to be working out.  I was calmer.  My wife briefly seemed happier.  My son was doing his thing and I was taking him to day care which had reopened.  I had some time to myself.  It was the calm before the storm.

Then my cat Niko died.  Then Zoey died.  My wife started "hanging with friends" a lot after work down toward Phoenix.  Then she quit returning text and calls right away, even though I know she had her phone glued to her hand.  Our wedding anniversary came up, I wanted to go out, she declined.  More stuff.  I finally hand enough and we had "the talk".  Fast forward two months later I had moved out, the RV was in the process of being sold, and she was gone.  I offered to try counseling, but the answer was always the same, "not yet".  Then it was even on my end not ever.

But, even though that flashback hit me like a fierce blow, I appreciated the peace at the time.  A little grounding maybe, a little quiet, before the storm. Four long lonely years ago.

Feast

Trader Joe's Penne Pasta with Ricotta cheese and peas.

Can of Sausage Gumbo Soup,
Some taco bell hot sauce.
Some sun flower oil heat up on skillet.
A few meatballs

Add in some green beans with almonds on the side.

Feast 

The Plan

 Due to the thriving economy and numerous financial hits over the recent years, I plan to-

* Downgrade my living, 1 bedroom apartment, less nice
* Minimalism. I'm pretty minimal as is, but anything I don't use is going away before my next move.
* Ditch my car once I can break even on it
* Meal planning
* Move abroad
* Start getting more aggressive in upping my income, getting a business going
* Assume I'm on my own
* Surgery

Downgrade my Living. One bedroom apartment in a different area could save me 200-300 bucks. Up to 1000 in a different state, minus the about 3k cost of moving/new apartments.

Minimalism. I take up less space, I have less to organize, and if something happens there is less stuff for others who don't care about any of it to sort and toss. Plus I'm nimble, I can move in a uhaul load or if abroad pack everything I need into 3 bags + my dog.

Ditch my Car. With uber and food delivery services, not having a car is less of a hit (as long as I work from home) than it used to be. I figure with insurance, gas, maintenance, car payments, the real cost of my car is about 1k a month. I can do a lot of uber rides and delivers for 1k a month. And I can scale, not use a lot some of the time, so I'd save maybe 300 bucks a month there. It would also force me to walk more which is good.

Meal planning. Got to devote half a weekend day to meal prep and freezing so I won't have the temptation to eat out and waste money.

Move abroad. This could save me up to 20K a year in taxes and non-debt payments by almost half. There are complications with living away from family and friends, and moving D back and forth between his Mom and I, but for a variety of reasons this is looking more and more appealing to me. America is a great deal for most of you, but for me due to some missteps and financial hits, it isn't the best deal for me anymore. The dream has taken wings and flown away from me.

Income Upping: I wouldn't say I'm lazy, but I wouldn't say I'm the most hard working person either. I've got to be more aggressive about studying and getting business ideas going. This will involve much better time management. I like to brood and surf late into the evenings, and in some ways it is a good thing, but I gotta be more productive with that time.

Assume I'm on my Own. I love having a support network, but it won't be there forever, I've got to get ahead of my problems before that support network is gone / diminished.

Surgery. I could have at least one surgery that would make my life better, but I avoid it because it would be a brutal recovery process. I might, if I can swing it, just get it done. It only has about a 50% chance of being successful and could make things worse, so I mull this one.

-------------------

All I'm doing now is treading water till the next crisis hits, which it surely well. I need to get ahead of things, reduce cost and increase cash. 101 ideas, but I actually have to do them now rather than just think of them. I'm tired of money being an issue. If I have to live in a cave I will.

If I do all of the above I think I could potentially save about 3000 a month, which would get me out of debt fast in a few years, get D better squared away with some funds for the future, and squirl away a little bit for retirement (which for me will not be that long).

Sad, I make good money, work for a fortune 500 company in the AI space, and I'm still in a precarious position due to big hits over the last five years that I can't seem to get out of. Time to get radical.

So how do I make this fun and not a chore? Gamify it. Make it an adventure. That is why the living overseas is really appealing. Pack my bags and take off. Maybe establish myself in Bulgaria so D can come back to his homeland. But it puts me away from a lot of people, but in reality I can be back in 2-3 days if I need be. Less than the 24 hours if I was in the states, but it is what it is.

Another option is to just say frack it, lead it ride, and watch everything implode, and pick up the pieces. I'd probably just move overseas after that happened anyway, so why not do it in an ethical manner where everyone gets paid, I meet my obligations, and possibly get ahead.

My thoughts for now.

What Will Be

So, I've been around for awhile.  I've had my ups and downs.  Some of the downs I've brought upon myself, some are beyond my control, some everything in-between.

Had something come up recently and of course it happens at one of the worst possible times it could.  Expensive, affecting my work, and causing me to get really, really pissed off and fearful about the future.

But, like I've said, I've been around.  I've been in this rodeo before.  I have to cling to the fact that God has got this even if I don't.  He took into account my future failures a long time ago.  And sure, if I handle things poorly, I will miss out on some things.  But even despite that I will not be destroyed, and even if I lose everything down the road I will get new things.

So, I am trying to chill and not be overwhelmed resting on that.  Trying to not get frustrated about the parameters I don't have control over. Where I screw up acknowledging it and moving on rather than letting a failure beat me up, and I'm trying to just...chill and be productive where I can be.  Do what I am able to do, and then let go and let everything fall into place without fear or stress.  

What is gonna happen is gonna happen.  And 9 times out of 10 it turns out to be nothing to worry about or not nearly a big a deal as I thought it would be.