Disengaged

So, I thought I was in much better shape mentally than I thought.  Temp move is complete, now I am quasi homeless.  All my stuff is gone except the bare minimum (no real loss).  I'm living with some relatives, stock pilling money until my job goes away in a few weeks.  My son is with me, and his Mom still is having continual problems so he will be with me for awhile, which is great in most ways as I love him and would rather have him with me.

But something unexpected happened.  I sort of checked out.  I went into the digital ether, and kind of quit doing everything I should be doing.  My job, after letting me know I was weighed in the scales and found not good enough to continue, now means nothing to me other than just a trudge that I must get through and a paycheck I need.  I have ZERO desire to be there anymore.  To me it represents the past.  A lot of stress about what will come next, and I just sort of went into my room, shut the door, and goofed off online in very negative and unproductive ways when I have mountains of other things I could be doing.

Well, as much as I would LOVE to keep doing that, I can't.  So today I'm going to attempt to reengage with live.  My priorities now will be.

1. Jesus, getting right with God whom I let down, yet again.
2. My physical health.  I'm not good to anyone if I'm a mess and can't function.
3. My son.  I need to be there for him and not let my relatives fill that gap, as nice as it is.
4. My mental health.  I really hate that term, mental health, but I realize now that I'm suffering from burnout or demoralization, whatever you want to call it.  I'm in a very nice area now, even if I an jobless and broke in the near term, there are many things I can do being in nature and with my son, that can uplift my morale.  It will be important because I think this transitional phase between jobs, and possibly careers (more on that later) will have rough spots.
5. Family. One of the reasons I am with my relatives is they are old, and will not always be around.  I came here to spend time with the people I love, not run and hide from life in the digital haze.  So I need to prioritize spending time with them and engaging with them.
6. Work and finding the new gig.  Basically my attitude at work right now is phuck 'em.  This is wrong, as they are nice people, gave me a great opportunity, and because of my actions in my control, and some that were not, I didn't perform as well as I could.  They are making a logical decision to not try to fight to keep me around.  Maybe if I would have rallied when I heard I could have changed minds, but...I got other things going on, and I didn't.  The reality of it is this job is burnt and the bridge mostly destroyed.  So I will prioritize it last.  In its stead I will be doing soul searching about what I need to do the fight burnout, upskill, ponder side gigs to keep me going, and finding the next big gig if the side gigs don't sustain me.  
7. Continued minimalism and downsizing.  I still have a lot of tedious stuff to sort through, so I need to do that and slim things down to the absolute minimum.  The plan is still to expat, but I'm praying about that and we will see... Either way, I don't need a bunch of junk.  I have lost all my worldly wealth, so while I remain in this world I will be somewhat of a vagabond. I'm ok with that at his point.

Those are pretty much my marching orders, in priority.  Let's see what the next phase, after the smoke clears, brings.

Edit: Some additional guidelines to help me.

1. Set aside 8.5 hours for sleep.  This is life-ing 101, but for me this is hard.  Because of bad time management, I often skimp on sleep, which causes existing health concerns to get worse.  
2. Get my butt to church.  Does this do anything magical?  No.  I know the Bible says "No not forsake the gathering of the assembly" so it is an obedience issue.  Obedience is rewarded, probably by meeting fellow Christians that you can help encourage and they can help encourage you, assuming everything in the church is working right.
3. Stop eating so freaking much.  I have a few over eating issues.  1) I was pretty athletic in the past, and burned lots of calories in the day.  Now I'm a couch potato mostly, but I still eat like I'm an athlete. 2) When my sleep schedule is messed up, I eat for extra energy but the calories just go to fat. 
4. Learn how to manage time without distractions.  I'm essentially ADD at this point.  Sure, I could medicate, but I think it would be better to train my mind how to handle distractions without medication.  The key is to break things down to the smallest possible task possible, only focus on the next task in the queue, and learning how to stay in the queue and not wander out of it.
5. Walk, walk, walk.  Consider light weight lifting.
6. Upscale and build.  At least 10 hours a week starting next week, scaling to 30 if I'm unemployed for awhile.  

Moving On

 Pretty tripping being homeless (I over dramatize, I have a temp home).  I am out of my apartment and living almost rent free for up to six months to sock pile $ for whatever is coming next.

I've been so busy I haven't had time to really process these changes.  I got rid of about 90% of my stuff and plan to get rid of more so I will be down to less than 5% of my things.  In a digital world this is less of a big deal than in previous generations but still weird.  I like it though, tired of moving a bunch of stuff around since it seems I tend to move a lot.

Today is a big day for me at work.  It could be a disaster.  If it is, ah well.  I learned a bit.  Most importantly I learned what I don't know, which is just as important sometimes as knowing what you don't know and then focusing on learning that.  Sometimes there is whole swaths of knowledge that you never even knew that you were ignorant of.

God is at work doing things in my life and my immediate family's life.  Whatever bumps along the way, including moves, job losses, possible health issues, God has an eternal (and temporal) plan in store for me. I just gotta keep going, even when I fall, keep pushing ahead. 

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."
(1 Peter 5:7)

The Last Stretch

 Boom

• Work four hours, hopefully minimally.
• Furniture hauling comes at 2
• Cleaning crew comes at 3
• Hotel for the night, as I won't have a bed
• Tomorrow pack, turn in keys, then on the road for 10 hours.
• And thus it ends, and thus it begins. A new chapter.

"The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."

(Psalm 121:8)

I came to the state I live in back in '97.  Bounced to other states but this state has always been my home.  I little unnerving leaving.  I came here with just a car load of stuff.  I leave here, all these years later, with a slightly bigger car and load of stuff, a dog, a son, and some debt.  Kinda weird.  But I love my son and my dog.  God has been faithful to me even though I have not returned the favor.  I've learned a lot.  Whatever this next chapter of life is, probably the final chapter, I hope I apply what I've learned and follow God wherever He leads me and with a faithful heart (whole heart if I can swing it).  

I've had some great memories along the way, but bad ones too.  I hope many of the bad ones stay behind me but the lessons and wisdom I can glean from the bad ones is ever before me.  

Onward and Upward.  This vagabond...a stranger in a strange land, a passing pilgrim in this wild thing called life, moves on to the next chapter.

New Recipe, Hopefully Different Outcome

 I'm facing:

• Just got official word my job is going away in three months.
• Due to the above, highly unmotivated about work.
• Even though I'm told I'm going away, lot's of high profile projects in my lap.
• Moving, got less than a week.
• I unexpectedly had to drop everything and fly out and get my son and bring him back for a few weeks.
• My parents flew out to help, God bless them, so there is help.
• Health issues causing me to lose a lot of sleep.

So, out of all this...here is my ideal situation.  It may not be God's. But out of the ashes I hope to happen in the next six to seven months.

• Be working mostly if not entirely for myself or with a small group of like minded people.
• Be more healthy.
• Know where I'm going to live.  I don't need much.  A data pipe, a bathroom, a bedroom or two, a bed, a desk, place to store a few things, a kitchen area, and a place for my dog.  Ideally a mostly square box that is inexpensive that I can put up fake walls to create spaces.  
• Be closer to my son.
• Walking closer with God.

Funny, the above should be in the reverse order.

Onward and Upward.

I've Been Putting Work Over Family. That Ends.

My son cried randomly last night.  I think it is because his mom got hospitalized so I flew out and scooped him.  He was so happy to see all his friends again and be with me as we always have a good time.  But timing bad, I've got a week to move out of my apartment, huge work projects, so even though I'm spending time with him and we are having fun, I had to punt him to his grand parents to try to finish up some work.

If I had even a couple months worth of savings I would have quit yesterday, dedicated the next few weeks to moving and having fun with my son.  I don't though. It feels like crap.

I'm tired of working for the man.  The man is what they are.  You are a clog in the gears, and how you turn in the machine is ultimately all that matters to them, smiley faces or not.

And to be fair my job isn't evil.  It is just a standard job.  Heck it is even better than most IT jobs. Just standard IT jobs I think don't work for me anymore.  

This will be the last time work > family.  I'm all in from this point on to getting something going so I will have time for my son and the things that are important without work interfering as it always does.

I don't mind working, but with a special needs kid who needs extra care I gotta figure something different out.  And I will.

Trying a New Work Strategy: Disassociation

My new work strategy.

• Work my 8.5 to 9 hours.  No more. 
• Listen to what others have to say, but if it is bull shite, and it affects me, don't take it personally.  Nod, keep my comments to myself, and smile.
• No over thinking. Covering my butt but beyond that, just do what I'm told.
• Being nice to everyone, but keeping contact minimal and work related.
• When work is done, turning off my work computer, and turning to (and hopefully enjoying) non-work task.
• Committing myself to more upskilling and pondering how I want to finish out my next 10-15 years of work life, and trying to get there.
• Not letting work or stress eat my seed corn...meaning regardless of what I think work demands, there are hard limits, and then I'm off to do what it will take to make me better, some of it aligning with work, some of it not.
• Trusting no one, always trying to have a plan B in grasp.
• Letting the chips fall where they may.  

In essence, doing my work, trying to do a good job, when when that metaphorical whistle blows, I'm OUT! 

The Final Good Bye

 So, things just sort of happened.  My dog was rubbing his nose a lot.  I decided to take him to a vet. I decided to take him to the vet that saved his life up in Flagstaff.  Originally I was going to get up early Saturday, but by Friday I decided to go up that night.  And, well, the trip turned into a mini vacation.  

On Saturday I went up to the Grand Canyon to take care of one last piece of business from my old life I had left there.  It was good to get back, see my old haunts, walk my dog where we used to walk all the time, say goodbye again to my cat and my other dog that I lost there before moving out.  It was bitter sweet though, as it was always my ex-wife's territory.  She was the NPS person, I was just some random attached husband, and as our marriage disintegrated who knows what was said about me.  

Anyway, I took care of business (mostly), hit the old places, then went to the rim and said good bye.  On the way into Williams I did a lot of processing.  My hearts desire is that I truly 100% turn the page on that chapter of life.  Maybe because of the wounds I won't ever turn it 100%, and with my son I must deal with my ex.  But if I can get 99% of the way there, and leave it all behind, and not think on it again except very briefly, that would be great.

It has been four years.  I'd say the first year and a half were miserable.  The next year and a half I was functional but still pretty sad.  This last year, especially the last six months, I think I'm over it.  I've had time to reflect on my parts of the marriage's demise, prayed a lot, and owned that the old life is long gone, my son and my dog now the only legacy from that life.  

I'm glad God is generous to His creation, because part of this process of healing is owning that even though my ex did horrible things, I did as well.  Mine were more subtle, but just as evil or worse.  I failed to be the man I was called to be and love my wife sacrificially.  I think if I would have done that our marriage would have had a chance, and maybe some of the things she did wouldn't have happened.  I don't blame myself for her choices, but I'm just being pragmatic.  Maybe if I did everything right our marriage still would have died.  I'll never know.

Ultimately it was the greatest coldest betrayal I have ever experienced.  I was in shock for a long time.  I shouldn't have been.  I was blind.  

All water under the bridge, as life doesn't stop.  No do-overs or taking backsies right?  

Now the conflict is how much do I want to sacrifice of my remaining life for my son.  The no brainer answer is do whatever it takes, he is your kid.  I agree.  But I don't want to uproot what little life I have to move to shitsville to be near him more.  But I also don't want to be a uncle to him as others raise him.  And my ex is making decisions that I don't agree with in parenting.  So he could use my counter-influence.  In a few years he is per agreement going to spend most of the year with me and summers with his Mom.  I expect there will be reniging there.  

So I'm processing all this.  My head is at I wait for another year and he and I have one more summer together.  My lease isn't up and my job as a contractor will shake out next year.  Maybe after this one more summer I will move to where he is, and balance living it shitetown with living overseas for a few months of the year.  I shall see.  

I'm processing it all.  But I am starting to clean and purge.  I'm already pretty minimal.  I'm going to the absolute basics, and as things shake out with my job and lease, I might ditch it all and vagabond it for awhile, or if I'm in a six month lease somewhere then I will keep some furniture but ditch all but the absolute minimum, and I will live in the smallest cheapest place I can.  I don't need a lot of stuff or space anymore.  

We shall see what happens.