Firstly, the title of this blog post "On My Own" isn't true. I've never been completely on my own. I've always had A FEW good people who have encouraged me, provided resources, and helped me along the way. More importantly, I believe that God's hand has been on my life. Heck I don't just believe that, I know that. Maybe I'll do a separate post to that, but God has saved me both eternally and in this life more than a few times.
So what is this "On My Own" title about? Let's give some context. I went through a marriage break up a few years ago. I not only lost my wife but I also lost where I lived, which my identity was also closely tied to. In moving away down to the big city I by the grace of God got a job that met my financial needs. I've since bounced around apartments and jobs. I reunited with two good friends. They will be friends for life (I think?) regardless of if I live close to them or far. Since the divorce and due to my political leanings my extended family has grown really distant to me. I'm close to my parents, and talk with an uncle and my sister on occasion, that is about it. My son due to the split lives with his Mom most of the year and is with me in the summers. Other than that it is just phone calls. In our agreement I should get him during other breaks too, but the cost of travel (he is about 10 states away) is just to great to make that happen. There is a decent church near me, but I'm having trouble getting there, I don't know why.
My point. I'm on my own. I have a dog, I meet some friends every now and then, and that is about it. Maybe twice a year I see my parents. I see my son during the summer and talk to him a few times a week.
Other context. The marriage killed me financially. Without getting "into the weeds" I once owned multiple properties, had a nice 401K, and had manageable debt. Now I have none of that, and although not a huge debt enough debt where it is a burden that I'm starting to think about it a lot.
The final piece of context. I've wanted to live overseas once I realized that with a software development gig I could. I've been thinking about this for decades. Sometime post 2016 I've started to feel like America is no longer home. I feel like an alien here. That has accelerated over the last few years. I'm by nature a political person and I can easily get sucked into the toxicity of everything going on. Plus the food in America, at the default level of what most of us buy and eat, is horrible. My health is declining, in part to what I eat.
So, here is the run down.
- No real ties to where I'm living
- Stagnating
- Unhealthy
- In debt
How can I fix this?
Debt: Well if I move over seas, ditch my car, and chose to live in Eastern Europe, I figured I could gain back about 4k a month. 4k. That would allow me to pay off my debt in a few years and put money aside. This is even counting the flying cost of taking my son to and from Europe once a year and an additional visit back.
Stagnation: What an adventure! Getting rid of the last of my stuff from my old life, and getting a new start. It might turn out horrible. It might be awesome. It might be meh. But at least I will have tried something. It is my experience that new things bring out the best in me.
Unhealthy: I know if I left for the unknown tomorrow my health would be a serious problem. So I have some time to prepare before I do. Look at that right there...motivation. I have a tiny little bit of motivation to get healthy so I'm around longer for my son. But it isn't as motivating as it should be I admit. The motivation so I can get into another relationship just doesn't do it for me anymore. I've always been pretty lame when it comes to the sex love and dating thing. I could put all sorts of effort into getting healthy for dating but you know what it would probably just be a waste of effort, so that doesn't motivate me. But getting ready for a trip, a change, a possible new life, that motivates me!! I've already started making changes that I haven't been able to do for the last 3 years.
No Real Ties: It is a bummer that I will be farther away from my parents who are getting up there in age. But I don't think they will hit any additional walls for a few years. And when they do I can come back for good or come back for a time. But just waiting around while my life ebbs based and their life ebbing isn't a good thing. I can go now, get the above benefits, and then come back if I need to. My son, though traveling would be more difficult, I would see him about the same. Though I do sometimes toy with moving to be near him and his mom at times, where they live there is just nothing for me other than seeing my son. It is a powerful draw, but so far something (maybe my selfishness?) has waved me off from doing that. My friends I will see less, but I will see them. And I have the ability once I've moved to make new friends as well, which I need. If it all falls then I come back humbled, but with a greater appreciation of what I had here. I don't think that is going to happen but it might.
So, why the "On My Own?". One of my close friends thinks it is foolish. I get excited about the possibility of moving and people just kind of poo poo it. What about this? What about that? You're crazy. I'd never leave the USA. My excitement and plans are challenged by those who I'd hope would be excited about them. It is a big bummer. And also when I leave on this adventure, which hopefully I won't be stopped from doing, it will be God, my dog, and me. Heck with those three that is all I need. But many would consider that being on your own.
So, I want my trips (I'll do a two month or so scouting trip first) to be well thought out and have a high chance of success. A lot of this depends on employment as well. More on that another time. It doesn't matter if I move to someplace cheaper but have zero income. But if God is in this I'll have something. And lastly, in a few years, if our agreement holds and it may not, my son will come to be with me most of the year. He is from Eastern Europe. It would be taking him back to his homeland, and I think good things will happen for him there vs the USA. I could be wrong. I will see.
I have seen God work before in my life where those who thought to pigeon hole me or do me harm God literally created a path for me pushing through their created barriers while they watched. I hope God will do that same now. Even my good friends who think this is foolish, I hope they watch in shock and awe. I hope they will one day in the future come and say, yeah, ok, it worked out for you. It was a good move.
One thing I've decided though, is to not seek permission, to not seek advice from people who know nothing about living abroad, nor seeking people's approval for my plans. I'm actually pretty pissed off that they think I'm being foolish when I research living abroad constantly. Do I think it will solve all my problems? No, but it will give me a new set of problems that might at least be a change of pace.
Jesus knows me better than myself. He knows if my plans are not good. But maybe He is the one moving me for purposes yet unknow, maybe just the above, maybe something more. I pray it is Jesus guiding me. If not, and this is a bad plan, I pray it would get shut down. I pray it doesn't. But I'm not asking others for confirmation or their opinions any more. If I'm going to do this, I'm just going to do this. And with the exception of a small few who find up out of necessity right before things happen, the rest can find out about it after the fact.
Into the new, on my own*.
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