Moving On

 Pretty tripping being homeless (I over dramatize, I have a temp home).  I am out of my apartment and living almost rent free for up to six months to sock pile $ for whatever is coming next.

I've been so busy I haven't had time to really process these changes.  I got rid of about 90% of my stuff and plan to get rid of more so I will be down to less than 5% of my things.  In a digital world this is less of a big deal than in previous generations but still weird.  I like it though, tired of moving a bunch of stuff around since it seems I tend to move a lot.

Today is a big day for me at work.  It could be a disaster.  If it is, ah well.  I learned a bit.  Most importantly I learned what I don't know, which is just as important sometimes as knowing what you don't know and then focusing on learning that.  Sometimes there is whole swaths of knowledge that you never even knew that you were ignorant of.

God is at work doing things in my life and my immediate family's life.  Whatever bumps along the way, including moves, job losses, possible health issues, God has an eternal (and temporal) plan in store for me. I just gotta keep going, even when I fall, keep pushing ahead. 

"Casting all your care upon him; for he careth for you."
(1 Peter 5:7)

The Last Stretch

 Boom

• Work four hours, hopefully minimally.
• Furniture hauling comes at 2
• Cleaning crew comes at 3
• Hotel for the night, as I won't have a bed
• Tomorrow pack, turn in keys, then on the road for 10 hours.
• And thus it ends, and thus it begins. A new chapter.

"The Lord shall preserve thy going out and thy coming in from this time forth, and even for evermore."

(Psalm 121:8)

I came to the state I live in back in '97.  Bounced to other states but this state has always been my home.  I little unnerving leaving.  I came here with just a car load of stuff.  I leave here, all these years later, with a slightly bigger car and load of stuff, a dog, a son, and some debt.  Kinda weird.  But I love my son and my dog.  God has been faithful to me even though I have not returned the favor.  I've learned a lot.  Whatever this next chapter of life is, probably the final chapter, I hope I apply what I've learned and follow God wherever He leads me and with a faithful heart (whole heart if I can swing it).  

I've had some great memories along the way, but bad ones too.  I hope many of the bad ones stay behind me but the lessons and wisdom I can glean from the bad ones is ever before me.  

Onward and Upward.  This vagabond...a stranger in a strange land, a passing pilgrim in this wild thing called life, moves on to the next chapter.

New Recipe, Hopefully Different Outcome

 I'm facing:

• Just got official word my job is going away in three months.
• Due to the above, highly unmotivated about work.
• Even though I'm told I'm going away, lot's of high profile projects in my lap.
• Moving, got less than a week.
• I unexpectedly had to drop everything and fly out and get my son and bring him back for a few weeks.
• My parents flew out to help, God bless them, so there is help.
• Health issues causing me to lose a lot of sleep.

So, out of all this...here is my ideal situation.  It may not be God's. But out of the ashes I hope to happen in the next six to seven months.

• Be working mostly if not entirely for myself or with a small group of like minded people.
• Be more healthy.
• Know where I'm going to live.  I don't need much.  A data pipe, a bathroom, a bedroom or two, a bed, a desk, place to store a few things, a kitchen area, and a place for my dog.  Ideally a mostly square box that is inexpensive that I can put up fake walls to create spaces.  
• Be closer to my son.
• Walking closer with God.

Funny, the above should be in the reverse order.

Onward and Upward.

I've Been Putting Work Over Family. That Ends.

My son cried randomly last night.  I think it is because his mom got hospitalized so I flew out and scooped him.  He was so happy to see all his friends again and be with me as we always have a good time.  But timing bad, I've got a week to move out of my apartment, huge work projects, so even though I'm spending time with him and we are having fun, I had to punt him to his grand parents to try to finish up some work.

If I had even a couple months worth of savings I would have quit yesterday, dedicated the next few weeks to moving and having fun with my son.  I don't though. It feels like crap.

I'm tired of working for the man.  The man is what they are.  You are a clog in the gears, and how you turn in the machine is ultimately all that matters to them, smiley faces or not.

And to be fair my job isn't evil.  It is just a standard job.  Heck it is even better than most IT jobs. Just standard IT jobs I think don't work for me anymore.  

This will be the last time work > family.  I'm all in from this point on to getting something going so I will have time for my son and the things that are important without work interfering as it always does.

I don't mind working, but with a special needs kid who needs extra care I gotta figure something different out.  And I will.

Trying a New Work Strategy: Disassociation

My new work strategy.

• Work my 8.5 to 9 hours.  No more. 
• Listen to what others have to say, but if it is bull shite, and it affects me, don't take it personally.  Nod, keep my comments to myself, and smile.
• No over thinking. Covering my butt but beyond that, just do what I'm told.
• Being nice to everyone, but keeping contact minimal and work related.
• When work is done, turning off my work computer, and turning to (and hopefully enjoying) non-work task.
• Committing myself to more upskilling and pondering how I want to finish out my next 10-15 years of work life, and trying to get there.
• Not letting work or stress eat my seed corn...meaning regardless of what I think work demands, there are hard limits, and then I'm off to do what it will take to make me better, some of it aligning with work, some of it not.
• Trusting no one, always trying to have a plan B in grasp.
• Letting the chips fall where they may.  

In essence, doing my work, trying to do a good job, when when that metaphorical whistle blows, I'm OUT! 

The Final Good Bye

 So, things just sort of happened.  My dog was rubbing his nose a lot.  I decided to take him to a vet. I decided to take him to the vet that saved his life up in Flagstaff.  Originally I was going to get up early Saturday, but by Friday I decided to go up that night.  And, well, the trip turned into a mini vacation.  

On Saturday I went up to the Grand Canyon to take care of one last piece of business from my old life I had left there.  It was good to get back, see my old haunts, walk my dog where we used to walk all the time, say goodbye again to my cat and my other dog that I lost there before moving out.  It was bitter sweet though, as it was always my ex-wife's territory.  She was the NPS person, I was just some random attached husband, and as our marriage disintegrated who knows what was said about me.  

Anyway, I took care of business (mostly), hit the old places, then went to the rim and said good bye.  On the way into Williams I did a lot of processing.  My hearts desire is that I truly 100% turn the page on that chapter of life.  Maybe because of the wounds I won't ever turn it 100%, and with my son I must deal with my ex.  But if I can get 99% of the way there, and leave it all behind, and not think on it again except very briefly, that would be great.

It has been four years.  I'd say the first year and a half were miserable.  The next year and a half I was functional but still pretty sad.  This last year, especially the last six months, I think I'm over it.  I've had time to reflect on my parts of the marriage's demise, prayed a lot, and owned that the old life is long gone, my son and my dog now the only legacy from that life.  

I'm glad God is generous to His creation, because part of this process of healing is owning that even though my ex did horrible things, I did as well.  Mine were more subtle, but just as evil or worse.  I failed to be the man I was called to be and love my wife sacrificially.  I think if I would have done that our marriage would have had a chance, and maybe some of the things she did wouldn't have happened.  I don't blame myself for her choices, but I'm just being pragmatic.  Maybe if I did everything right our marriage still would have died.  I'll never know.

Ultimately it was the greatest coldest betrayal I have ever experienced.  I was in shock for a long time.  I shouldn't have been.  I was blind.  

All water under the bridge, as life doesn't stop.  No do-overs or taking backsies right?  

Now the conflict is how much do I want to sacrifice of my remaining life for my son.  The no brainer answer is do whatever it takes, he is your kid.  I agree.  But I don't want to uproot what little life I have to move to shitsville to be near him more.  But I also don't want to be a uncle to him as others raise him.  And my ex is making decisions that I don't agree with in parenting.  So he could use my counter-influence.  In a few years he is per agreement going to spend most of the year with me and summers with his Mom.  I expect there will be reniging there.  

So I'm processing all this.  My head is at I wait for another year and he and I have one more summer together.  My lease isn't up and my job as a contractor will shake out next year.  Maybe after this one more summer I will move to where he is, and balance living it shitetown with living overseas for a few months of the year.  I shall see.  

I'm processing it all.  But I am starting to clean and purge.  I'm already pretty minimal.  I'm going to the absolute basics, and as things shake out with my job and lease, I might ditch it all and vagabond it for awhile, or if I'm in a six month lease somewhere then I will keep some furniture but ditch all but the absolute minimum, and I will live in the smallest cheapest place I can.  I don't need a lot of stuff or space anymore.  

We shall see what happens.

On My Own

Firstly, the title of this blog post "On My Own" isn't true.  I've never been completely on my own.  I've always had A FEW good people who have encouraged me, provided resources, and helped me along the way.  More importantly, I believe that God's hand has been on my life.  Heck I don't just believe that, I know that.  Maybe I'll do a separate post to that, but God has saved me both eternally and in this life more than a few times.

So what is this "On My Own" title about?  Let's give some context.  I went through a marriage break up a few years ago.  I not only lost my wife but I also lost where I lived, which my identity was also closely tied to.  In moving away down to the big city I by the grace of God got a job that met my financial needs. I've since bounced around apartments and jobs.  I reunited with two good friends.  They will be friends for life (I think?) regardless of if I live close to them or far.  Since the divorce and due to my political leanings my extended family has grown really distant to me.  I'm close to my parents, and talk with an uncle and my sister on occasion, that is about it.  My son due to the split lives with his Mom most of the year and is with me in the summers. Other than that it is just phone calls. In our agreement I should get him during other breaks too, but the cost of travel (he is about 10 states away) is just to great to make that happen.  There is a decent church near me, but I'm having trouble getting there, I don't know why.

My point.  I'm on my own.  I have a dog, I meet some friends every now and then, and that is about it.  Maybe twice a year I see my parents.  I see my son during the summer and talk to him a few times a week.

Other context.  The marriage killed me financially.  Without getting "into the weeds" I once owned multiple properties, had a nice 401K, and had manageable debt.  Now I have none of that, and although not a huge debt enough debt where it is a burden that I'm starting to think about it a lot.

The final piece of context.  I've wanted to live overseas once I realized that with a software development gig I could.  I've been thinking about this for decades.  Sometime post 2016 I've started to feel like America is no longer home.  I feel like an alien here.  That has accelerated over the last few years.  I'm by nature a political person and I can easily get sucked into the toxicity of everything going on.  Plus the food in America, at the default level of what most of us buy and eat, is horrible.  My health is declining, in part to what I eat.  

So, here is the run down.

- No real ties to where I'm living
- Stagnating
- Unhealthy
- In debt

How can I fix this?  

Debt: Well if I move over seas, ditch my car, and chose to live in Eastern Europe, I figured I could gain back about 4k a month.  4k.  That would allow me to pay off my debt in a few years and put money aside. This is even counting the flying cost of taking my son to and from Europe once a year and an additional visit back.

Stagnation: What an adventure! Getting rid of the last of my stuff from my old life, and getting a new start.  It might turn out horrible.  It might be awesome.  It might be meh.  But at least I will have tried something.  It is my experience that new things bring out the best in me.

Unhealthy: I know if I left for the unknown tomorrow my health would be a serious problem.  So I have some time to prepare before I do.  Look at that right there...motivation.  I have a tiny little bit of motivation to get healthy so I'm around longer for my son.  But it isn't as motivating as it should be I admit.  The motivation so I can get into another relationship just doesn't do it for me anymore.  I've always been pretty lame when it comes to the sex love and dating thing.  I could put all sorts of effort into getting healthy for dating but you know what it would probably just be a waste of effort, so that doesn't motivate me.  But getting ready for a trip, a change, a possible new life, that motivates me!!  I've already started making changes that I haven't been able to do for the last 3 years.  

No Real Ties: It is a bummer that I will be farther away from my parents who are getting up there in age.  But I don't think they will hit any additional walls for a few years.  And when they do I can come back for good or come back for a time.  But just waiting around while my life ebbs based and their life ebbing isn't a good thing.  I can go now, get the above benefits, and then come back if I need to.  My son, though traveling would be more difficult, I would see him about the same.  Though I do sometimes toy with moving to be near him and his mom at times, where they live there is just nothing for me other than seeing my son.  It is a powerful draw, but so far something (maybe my selfishness?) has waved me off from doing that.  My friends I will see less, but I will see them.  And I have the ability once I've moved to make new friends as well, which I need.  If it all falls then I come back humbled, but with a greater appreciation of what I had here.  I don't think that is going to happen but it might.

So, why the "On My Own?".  One of my close friends thinks it is foolish.  I get excited about the possibility of moving and people just kind of poo poo it.  What about this?  What about that?  You're crazy.  I'd never leave the USA.  My excitement and plans are challenged by those who I'd hope would be excited about them. It is a big bummer.  And also when I leave on this adventure, which hopefully I won't be stopped from doing, it will be God, my dog, and me.  Heck with those three that is all I need.  But many would consider that being on your own. 

So, I want my trips (I'll do a two month or so scouting trip first) to be well thought out and have a high chance of success.  A lot of this depends on employment as well.  More on that another time.  It doesn't matter if I move to someplace cheaper but have zero income.  But if God is in this I'll have something.  And lastly, in a few years, if our agreement holds and it may not, my son will come to be with me most of the year.  He is from Eastern Europe.  It would be taking him back to his homeland, and I think good things will happen for him there vs the USA.  I could be wrong.  I will see.

I have seen God work before in my life where those who thought to pigeon hole me or do me harm God literally created a path for me pushing through their created barriers while they watched.  I hope God will do that same now.  Even my good friends who think this is foolish, I hope they watch in shock and awe.  I hope they will one day in the future come and say, yeah, ok, it worked out for you.  It was a good move.  

One thing I've decided though, is to not seek permission, to not seek advice from people who know nothing about living abroad, nor seeking people's approval for my plans.  I'm actually pretty pissed off that they think I'm being foolish when I research living abroad constantly.  Do I think it will solve all my problems?  No, but it will give me a new set of problems that might at least be a change of pace.  

Jesus knows me better than myself.  He knows if my plans are not good.  But maybe He is the one moving me for purposes yet unknow, maybe just the above, maybe something more.  I pray it is Jesus guiding me.  If not, and this is a bad plan, I pray it would get shut down.  I pray it doesn't.  But I'm not asking others for confirmation or their opinions any more.  If I'm going to do this, I'm just going to do this.  And with the exception of a small few who find up out of necessity right before things happen, the rest can find out about it after the fact.

Into the new, on my own*.